Derek was so devastated after the funeral that Sarah decided to move back into the house. Her psychiatrist was amazed at how rapidly she was getting better. It was as if the sickness of her child somehow snapped her out of a fog. Or maybe it was Derek's need. She started a new antipsychotic and was doing well. Based on her improvement her diagnosis was changed from schizophrenia to bipolar with psychotic features.
Derek didn't care what you called it. Sarah was back again. She was alive and loving and supportive. And he really needed her. Because he had to find a reason to continue breathing. Jason's death formed a wound on his heart that would never heal. He would wake up in the middle of the night calling his son's name as if he was still in the adjacent room sleeping quietly.
And Derek would find solace in the fact that the world was generous. That other caring human beings would donate a hundred thousand dollars to save his son. That by returning this generosity he could affect others who were desperately in need. His life could have meaning again.
And above all he knew that he had done his best. Because even those who walk on water occasionally find themselves stranded in the middle of the ocean. It was time to grow up. he could either let his sadness drown him or he could learn how to swim. So Derek abandoned his superhuman qualities......
and dove into the merky abyss.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Walking on Water (4)
The problem with bone marrow transplants was the expense. Derek had done his home work. Between doctor and hospital fees he would need about one hundred thousand dollars. Simple..he thought...Jason had good insurance. But ofcourse given the experimental nature of the procedure his insurance categorically denied the request stating the lack of evidence.
So Derek again braced for war. Again he consulted the experts. He had Jason's oncologist write a letter to the insurer. He wote a number of personal letters documenting Jason's struggle and emphasizing that he surely would die without drastic action.
In the meantime he went to religous organizations, the local media, and even the AMA. Anyone who could help was welcomed. He set up a fund at their local bank for donations and Sara helped put together a web site. After a month they had collected twenty five thousand dollars. Not enough....but a start!
The insurane company finally relented and invited Derek to personally present Jason's case to a board of adjucators. As he packed up his materials that morning, he felt mildly optimistic. He had not come this far to fail. He had thirty minutes to win over the hearts and minds of the insurance comany representatives.
Derek's presentation was the perfect mix of science and emotion. He blended the hard data with the soft picture of Jason, his mentally ill mother, and his struggling father. He ended with a short video of Jason himself pleading the case. The jury of ten men and women were visibley shaken. A number of them had tears in their eyes. As Derek left the room to allow them to deliberate he felt he had reasonable odds.
Fifteen minutes later he was summoned back to the small room. It was decided that the insurance company would not cover the transplant given its experimental nature. However, Jason's case would be sent for review to the charitable branch of the company which may consider donating to the cause.
Derek's sadness and dissapointemnt were brief.....the next day he recieved a check for the remaining seventy five thousand dollars.
Looking back, Derek would remember this as the highpoint of his struggle. He had walked on water. He had accomplished the impossible.. That night he picked up Sarah and Jason from the hospital. They went out for pizza. It was one of Jason's good days.
Jason eventually recieved the bone marrow transplant.
When it failed to eradicate the cancer he was enrolled in hospice.
He died a month later at home with Derek and Sarah at his bedside.
So Derek again braced for war. Again he consulted the experts. He had Jason's oncologist write a letter to the insurer. He wote a number of personal letters documenting Jason's struggle and emphasizing that he surely would die without drastic action.
In the meantime he went to religous organizations, the local media, and even the AMA. Anyone who could help was welcomed. He set up a fund at their local bank for donations and Sara helped put together a web site. After a month they had collected twenty five thousand dollars. Not enough....but a start!
The insurane company finally relented and invited Derek to personally present Jason's case to a board of adjucators. As he packed up his materials that morning, he felt mildly optimistic. He had not come this far to fail. He had thirty minutes to win over the hearts and minds of the insurance comany representatives.
Derek's presentation was the perfect mix of science and emotion. He blended the hard data with the soft picture of Jason, his mentally ill mother, and his struggling father. He ended with a short video of Jason himself pleading the case. The jury of ten men and women were visibley shaken. A number of them had tears in their eyes. As Derek left the room to allow them to deliberate he felt he had reasonable odds.
Fifteen minutes later he was summoned back to the small room. It was decided that the insurance company would not cover the transplant given its experimental nature. However, Jason's case would be sent for review to the charitable branch of the company which may consider donating to the cause.
Derek's sadness and dissapointemnt were brief.....the next day he recieved a check for the remaining seventy five thousand dollars.
Looking back, Derek would remember this as the highpoint of his struggle. He had walked on water. He had accomplished the impossible.. That night he picked up Sarah and Jason from the hospital. They went out for pizza. It was one of Jason's good days.
Jason eventually recieved the bone marrow transplant.
When it failed to eradicate the cancer he was enrolled in hospice.
He died a month later at home with Derek and Sarah at his bedside.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The Power of One
I wrote this in highschool. Its kind of simple but I like it. I almost never use rhyme in my poetry. I always was fond of the saying....My body is a temple.
The Power of One
My body is a temple
My mind is my god
My heart is a prayerbook
Its expression my facade
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Walking on Water (3)
When a person hears the word cancer directed towards him for the first time it's like a dagger thrust through his innerds. It's sharp. It hurts. It leaves a gaping hole. When a person hears the word cancer directed towards his beautiful 10 year old son..... it eviscerates him. It turns his world upside down.
Vertigo.......thats what Derek called it. From the moment the word left the doctor's mouth his world started to spin. And he had not been able to regain stable footing since. He struggled for composure....for Jason's sake. He tried to remain calm. But he lost his ability to eat. He couldn't sleep. He constantly felt nauseous. And the spinning overtook him. It was not his head that bothered him so much....but his heart.
The upheavel remained until the day, weeks later, that he decided to take control. After many restless nights of tossing and turning in bed, he finally got up and went to the computer. What he found on the internet amazed him. Hundreds of pages documenting cases similar to Jason's. Thousands of research papers cited. The doctor said the prognosis was poor. But maybe....just maybe there was something new to be found. New research....a new doctor....a new chance.
As Derek's hope rose, Jason's health deteriorated. The chemotherapy had made him sick. He was hospitalized twice for dehydration and low blood counts. His spirits were low. But Derek couldn't tame his need for optimism. He contacted multiple experts in the field. Talked to families with children in the same situation. He couldn't shake the desperate belief that there was something that would snatch Jason from death's clutches.
And one early morning....as the sun started to rise on yet another sleepless night...Derek came to the answer. In an obscure medical journal...a small case study had found a successful treatment. It was a long shot, Derek thought to himself, but it might just work.
Before thinking about it he picked up the phone and dialed Sarah's number. They had been talking alot lately. She was improving.
As Sarah answered the phone Derek hurriedly interrupted her. He couldn't contain himself.....
he had found a way to save their boy.
Vertigo.......thats what Derek called it. From the moment the word left the doctor's mouth his world started to spin. And he had not been able to regain stable footing since. He struggled for composure....for Jason's sake. He tried to remain calm. But he lost his ability to eat. He couldn't sleep. He constantly felt nauseous. And the spinning overtook him. It was not his head that bothered him so much....but his heart.
The upheavel remained until the day, weeks later, that he decided to take control. After many restless nights of tossing and turning in bed, he finally got up and went to the computer. What he found on the internet amazed him. Hundreds of pages documenting cases similar to Jason's. Thousands of research papers cited. The doctor said the prognosis was poor. But maybe....just maybe there was something new to be found. New research....a new doctor....a new chance.
As Derek's hope rose, Jason's health deteriorated. The chemotherapy had made him sick. He was hospitalized twice for dehydration and low blood counts. His spirits were low. But Derek couldn't tame his need for optimism. He contacted multiple experts in the field. Talked to families with children in the same situation. He couldn't shake the desperate belief that there was something that would snatch Jason from death's clutches.
And one early morning....as the sun started to rise on yet another sleepless night...Derek came to the answer. In an obscure medical journal...a small case study had found a successful treatment. It was a long shot, Derek thought to himself, but it might just work.
Before thinking about it he picked up the phone and dialed Sarah's number. They had been talking alot lately. She was improving.
As Sarah answered the phone Derek hurriedly interrupted her. He couldn't contain himself.....
he had found a way to save their boy.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Walking on Water (2)
How can a father explain how he feels for a son? How can he put together a series of words that adequately describes the mix of love, fear, and absolute desperation involved in being a parent. How the sum total of a man's dreams become bundled into those little hands and feet. And how the idea of that boy experiencing pain is anathema.
Derek remembered falling in love with his wife. He remembered the stomache churning roller coaster ride of emotion. How could his feelings be so strong?.... He never believed that he could feel love so true again. But then Jason was born. It started so small. Just a twinge of pride and disbelelief.
Yet over time the twinge became a monster. Derek had swooned for Sarah. His love for her had kept him awake at night. But his son...his love for his son ripped him apart from the insides. Tore him to peices and laid him bare on the cold concrete. Broken...yet still conscious of his helplessness. And strangely enough...still wanting more. It was the kind of love that we all hoped for...it was the kind that ruined you.
Derek's biggest fear was that Jason would become ill like his mother. The idea of watching his son battle schizophrenia was horrifying. And it could happen at anytime. But as the years passed, Derek's fears lessened. Jason was 10 years old and thriving. A cold here....some stitches there...no big deal. He was such a good boy.
So when Jason began to lose weight and feel tired, Derek thought that it was something routine.
It certainly wasn't schizophrenia......
Derek remembered falling in love with his wife. He remembered the stomache churning roller coaster ride of emotion. How could his feelings be so strong?.... He never believed that he could feel love so true again. But then Jason was born. It started so small. Just a twinge of pride and disbelelief.
Yet over time the twinge became a monster. Derek had swooned for Sarah. His love for her had kept him awake at night. But his son...his love for his son ripped him apart from the insides. Tore him to peices and laid him bare on the cold concrete. Broken...yet still conscious of his helplessness. And strangely enough...still wanting more. It was the kind of love that we all hoped for...it was the kind that ruined you.
Derek's biggest fear was that Jason would become ill like his mother. The idea of watching his son battle schizophrenia was horrifying. And it could happen at anytime. But as the years passed, Derek's fears lessened. Jason was 10 years old and thriving. A cold here....some stitches there...no big deal. He was such a good boy.
So when Jason began to lose weight and feel tired, Derek thought that it was something routine.
It certainly wasn't schizophrenia......
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Walking On Water
He was going to be like Michael Jordan in the championship game. He was going to be like Martin Luther King as he stepped up to the podium to give his "I have a dream" speech. He was going to be every underdog who had ever been written off only to then unexpectedly succeed. If the heavens had to open and God himself had to reach down through the clouds and place this mighty hand on Derek's shoulder....he would.
Because it was now or never. Just the act of being hopeful meant that Derek had walked on water already . And he wasn't turning back now. He had entered a foriegn land. Learned the language and culture. Learned the theory and intricacies. Studied for months what others had spent lifetimes on. And he nailed it. Talked to all the experts in the field. Come to one conclusion and one conclusion only. It was his last chance.
If only Sarah was still by his side. Sure he still talked to her but it was different now. Before the break she was so lucid. She could pick apart a situation and attack it from all sides. So insightful. But it had been years. Something happened to her after the birth. She started the slippery slope downwards and was swallowed by her illness. After years of bouncing through mental institutions she found a permananet home. But she couldn't take care of herself. She couldn't take care of their son. She couldn't give any meaningful support during this difficult time in his life. The schizophrenia had erased everything.
So Derek was on his own. He had a few hours to prepare before the meeting. One last time to review his notes. The house was oddly quiet. No wife....no child. For the first time Derek felt truly alone. The idea of failing was so horrifying he only allowed it to cross his mind briefly. He had to succeed. Because if he didn't then what was the sense of living. He had to succeed...his son depended on it.
Because it was now or never. Just the act of being hopeful meant that Derek had walked on water already . And he wasn't turning back now. He had entered a foriegn land. Learned the language and culture. Learned the theory and intricacies. Studied for months what others had spent lifetimes on. And he nailed it. Talked to all the experts in the field. Come to one conclusion and one conclusion only. It was his last chance.
If only Sarah was still by his side. Sure he still talked to her but it was different now. Before the break she was so lucid. She could pick apart a situation and attack it from all sides. So insightful. But it had been years. Something happened to her after the birth. She started the slippery slope downwards and was swallowed by her illness. After years of bouncing through mental institutions she found a permananet home. But she couldn't take care of herself. She couldn't take care of their son. She couldn't give any meaningful support during this difficult time in his life. The schizophrenia had erased everything.
So Derek was on his own. He had a few hours to prepare before the meeting. One last time to review his notes. The house was oddly quiet. No wife....no child. For the first time Derek felt truly alone. The idea of failing was so horrifying he only allowed it to cross his mind briefly. He had to succeed. Because if he didn't then what was the sense of living. He had to succeed...his son depended on it.
Friday, October 24, 2008
She Must Have Been
It must have been...about this time of year. The brisk cool days leading into fall. The leaves parachuting from the trees effortlessly. The breadth leaving my mouth as my body numbingly glides down the sidewalk. The ache in my knees becoming familiar. Diffferent from her aches and pains. Different from the heaviness in her heart.
She must have run...down these same streets. In this same town. She said it was to lose the weight she had recently gained. Or maybe it was to run away. For a moment. From the three young boys left at home. Or possibley the never ending list of tasks that needed to be accomplished. I run for health....she ran for sanity.
She must have hoped...that these jogs would never end. Dreading the finish line. Just one more moment of silence. The absence of thought....must have been such a relief. And yet all I do is think. To forget the physicality.
She must have been...about my age. And miserable. And scared. And lonely. That year.
The year my father died.
She must have run...down these same streets. In this same town. She said it was to lose the weight she had recently gained. Or maybe it was to run away. For a moment. From the three young boys left at home. Or possibley the never ending list of tasks that needed to be accomplished. I run for health....she ran for sanity.
She must have hoped...that these jogs would never end. Dreading the finish line. Just one more moment of silence. The absence of thought....must have been such a relief. And yet all I do is think. To forget the physicality.
She must have been...about my age. And miserable. And scared. And lonely. That year.
The year my father died.
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