So live your life

So live your life


Cause

sadness and regret

only go away

once you stop

Breathing


Cause

Dreams will die

a million deaths

but that doesn't mean

you should stop

Sleeping



Cause

love leads to loss

most of the time

but if you wait enough

even your heart

will stop

Bleeding


Cause

Your demons are faster

and stronger

and meaner then you

but you'll be okay

as long as you

see them



So put your head down

hold on tight



And live your life

Obsessed (3)

The ride home from work, for Lawrence, was aways slow. Calming. In some ways he relished the spare moments with nothing to do. His mind would wander over the events of the day. No rituals. No stopping and starting over again. For whatever reason the car was his safety zone. A place where he felt free from the clutter. A place to listen to the radio....to let go of the stress of the day.

But today was different. Lawrence's thoughts returned again to the day that ruined his life. Thoughts he usually only allowed in those fleeting moments at the window sill in the locker room. He saw her face again. He remembered his cocky swagger as he entered the operating room. He had told the family that this operation was routine. That he had done hundreds of them. That she would be just fine.

But she wasn't fine. Thirty minutes in she started to bleed.....and she never stopped. Lawrence tried to stem the red tied of death that sprung from her belly like a torrent. But instead of deterring.... his hands became clumsy. Knocked about between waves of futility he struggled to gain control. And somehow his loss followed him home from the OR that day.

The red tied of death ripped a hole in his heart. And the hole enshrouded his marriage in dependence and it too hemmorhaged, exsanguinated, and died as quickly as the poor girl on the table. So Lawrence did the only thing he thought he could to avert going completely crazy...he went kinda of crazy.

His rituals inhibited his life. They marked him to all those who cared to look. They changed his priorities. But they allowed him to creaste a barrier of safety between him and a total mental breakdown. There were now rules. And rules could either be followed or broken. As long as rules were honored....he would be safe. Patients wouldn't die....marriages wouldn't break up...and Lawrence could bear to look at himself in the mirror again without complete disgust.

Today, however, was a major departure. One of his most strict rules was that he would never think about this again except at his normal specified time. He was breaking the mold. He was going out on a limb. And damb it felt good. Maybe it was time for him to let himself off the hook. Hadn't all his colleagues had patient's die on the table? Hadn't he done some good in all his time as a doctor?

Lawrence made a promise to himself as he pulled into the garage. Tonight when he called Carole he would apologize to her and her husband. He would tell her that he had an epiphany and it was time for him to move on. He was going to thank her for being so patient. And most of all he was going to tell her that he would never bother them again.

Or so he thought. It was not even in his relm of imagination that when he called later that night Carole wouldn't answer her phone.

Something that she had never done in five years.

Obsessed (2)

Every morning was the same for Lawrence. His alarm went off at four thirty reliably. Although he didn't need to arrive at the OR for hours he had soo much to do. He had his rituals. And his rituals took time. He had to do them correctly. And if he didn't.... they needed to be repeated...or something bad would happen.

Five steps from the bed to the bathroom. Water on. Open and close the toilet seat three times. use the toilet. Flush twice. Two more steps back to the sink.

And so the morning went. A choreographed dance he performed daily often interrupted by repetition and occasionally by the need to start all over again. Lawrence hadn't always been this way. In fact this all started when his world fell apart. Five years ago. The unimaginable had happened. The unthinkable. So Lawrence tried to order the parts of his life he could control. If he just followed the right steps. If he just didn't mess up.....he would be protected.

By the time he showered, got dressed, and ate breakfast Lawrence was already late for his nine oclock OR slot. In fact he never made it on time. The schedulers at the hospital were so aware of the problem that they always scheduled the first case an hour late. And like clock work Lawrence would arrive at 10am. The staff would trade glances as usual. Mainly they felt sorry for him. They had watched him unravel over the years.

As Lawrence finished changing into his scrubs he walked briskly to the back of the locker room and sat awkwardly on the ledge of the window facing the courtyard. He had exactly five minutes. This was his last ritual before going into the operating room. A tear rolled down his eyes as he replayed the horrible day over and over again in his mind. The day his life went from light to grey.

Never...never again he told himself.

And then he left the locker room and went to scrub for the first case.

Penance

Accepted today to the Annals of Internal Medicine Ad Libitum Section:

Penance

I’ve started
To bleed
Again

It happens
Every winter
With cold
And dry

I wash my hands
20-30 x a day
Before and after
Each
Patient

At first
The dryness
Was bothersome
And I used
Lotion
But eventually
I stopped

And my hands
Became painful
But the pain
Gradually
Dissapeared

Occasionally
Blood
On my knuckle
Where the skin
Would crack

The other day
I was calling
Results

A normal stress test
A high cholesterol
And lastly
I came
To your
Biopsy

Quietly
I told you
Over the phone
You cried

Calmly
I explained
What happens
Next

As I hung up
I noticed
I was wringing
My hands
Together

I looked down
With alarm
To see
I was covered
In blood

The cuffs
Of my white coat
Stained
Red

I ran
To the sink
My tears
Joining the water
Down
The drain

I guess
I have been hurting
For a very
Long
Time

However
Sometimes
I forget
To think
About
It


From the chapbook Primary Care, The Lives You Touch Publications

Obsessed

As lawrence listended to the phone ring he thought back to a time when he wasn't this sick. The clock on the nightstand read 10 pm as usual. Not a second before. Not a second after. The lights in the room were all off sparing the overhead lamp on the bedside table. He was in a pair of flannel pajamas but no shirt. The temperature in the house was set at 78 degrees exactly.

Precision had become Lawrence's life. Not a bad thing for a surgeon. Afterall.....hadn't his patients depended on his precision. Couldn't just one small misstep lead to disaster? No...no Lawrence told himself you have to stop thinking that way. It's not healthy! Ironically the disaster that Lawrence was trying so hard to avoid had already happened. Both his personal and professional life were in ruins.

His wife had left him...over five years ago. He had lost most of his friends. His colleagues look at him as an oddity. And although he was still operating, his patient load had dwindled severely. Who wants a surgeon who is so caught up in their personal issues that they show up to the OR 2 hours late for the first case?

The phone continued to ring. Come on Carole.....come on....answer the damn phone. Just this last time. Lawrence felt ill. He remembered pleading with his ex wife similarly when she left him. And now he was doing it every night. Silently. In his own mind. Waiting for her to answer the phone. So he could turn off the light and go to sleep.

"Hello?" Carole's annoyed voice woke him from his reverie...
"Just...just checking," Lawrence sputtered as he could hear Carole's husband recite explatives in the background.
"Go to bed Lawrence!"
"Ok......ok"

And then Lawrence hung up the phone and as usual drifted into a sound sleep.

Saying Goodbye

Mrs. Jones.....

I am calling today to give my condolences. I heard this morning of your husbands passing. I am truly sorry.

I will never forget the day you both walked into my office. As often happens we ended up laughing as much as talking seriously about his health problems.

Through all the years I have known your husband, he always had a smile on his face and a bounce in his step. He faced every new medical problem with bravery and courage. Each step forward was welcomed. Each step backwards was tolerated.

Your husband lived with great diginity....I saw this in the way the people around him looked up to him. How when it became apparent that death was forthcoming your children and their families rallied around him. How you now celebrate his life as well as mourn his passing.

His body may have passed but his spirit will never die. It lights up the faces of all those little grandchildren you probably have running amongst your feet right now. He will never be forgotten.

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you. For allowing me to take care of him and bear witness to just a fraction of the beauty he has bestowed on this world. I am humbled by the honor you have afforded me. I will never take light of your decision to entrust me with his health and well being.

I will miss him....

I will never forget....

Please don't hesitate to call if I can be of any assistance.

You will always be welcome in our office.

Goodbye

You and Me

I woke up
From a nightmare
A decade ago
About being
Alone

I got up
And looked in the mirror
And saw You
Your beautiful soft face
Wavy hair
And those eyes

I looked inside
And saw myself
Strong
Confident
Happy
So I went
Back to sleep

I awoke again
This morning
From another nightmare
And looked in the mirror

And there you were
Just As I had left you
I peered again
Into your eyes

And this time
I saw you
And the kids
All my happiness
But yet something
Was missing

I tried
To turn over
And scream
"How could you
Have gotten rid
Of me?"

But then
I realized
That the mirror
Was more a reflection
On me
Then you